The Essential Rules of EMS

A few simple truths to keep in mind while serving the public good:

Air goes in, air goes out, blood goes round and round. Any variation on this is a bad thing.

The more equipment you see on an EMT's belt, the newer they are.

All bleeding stops...eventually.

If the patient vomits, try to hold their head to the side of the rig with the most easily cleanable equipment.

If the patient is going to vomit (especially projectile) be sure to aim them towards any bystanders that would NOT clear the scene.

If you absolutely must vomit, then it is probably best to turn your head away from the patient. And your partner. More so the partner.

Never get into the front of the ambulance with someone who is braver than you are.

If its stupid, but it works, then it ain't stupid.

The important things are always simple. The simple things are always hard.

When a call comes in 2 minutes before shift change, you will always pass your relief 1 block from the station where he/she will be laughing and waving at you.

Training is learning the rules, experience is learning the exceptions.

When it comes to needles, 'tis better to give than to receive.

Being in emergency services means you get to celebrate your holidays with all your friends... while on-duty.

Being an EMT means you get to expose yourself to rare, exotic and exciting new diseases.

If you have a ride-along you want to show how things work in the real world, nothing will happen that shift.

People don't call an Ambulance because they did something right.

You can't cure stupid.

The address is never clearly marked.

You know you are in trouble when the directions to a patient's house include... " turn off of the paved surface..."

The larger the house the farther from a door the patient will be.

If it's wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!

Don't get excited about blood unless its your own.

The pain will go away when it stops hurting.

You should always stop CPR after the second "Ouch!" from the patient.

If your patient is violent you can always use O2 therapy (an O2 bottle across the back of the head usually calms them down).

If the patient fell and was moved by the family, they will have moved them so that climbing stairs will be involved.

The furniture will always be arranged so that a stretcher or stairchair will never fit easily.

Whenever you have NO lights or sirens on, everyone on the road will pull over for you, whether you want them to or not. The inverse is also true.

The probability of getting a code 3 call is directly proportional to how badly you need to go to the bathroom.

Dispatchers tell everyone where to go, inversely, everyone would like to tell the dispatcher where to go!

If you ever do tell the dispatcher where to go they will give you more places to go (i.e., never tick off the nice dispatcher).

A patient's weight will always be inversely proportional to the size of the vehicle they choose to wreck (the fatter they are, the smaller their car).

The severity of the injury is directly proportional to the difficulty in accessing, as well as the weight of, the patient.

Fellow paramedics always have a better story than yours.

Your driver will never hit a pot hole or curb unless your patient has a bad fracture.